Waiting Room
Watch this first,
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=S8Gxv9CRRVM
Hello!
I am so sorry that I haven't wrote in quite some time! My reasons include, it was a busy summer and I really didn't know what to write about. I didn't want my post to be dark and dreary, but I didn't really have anything super exciting to share. (If that makes sense) I think about this blog almost everyday, and I think about everyone that I know and that I don't know who are going through this same journey. If this is your first time reading this blog I hope that you find some peace and comfort knowing that you are not alone. If you have been here awhile I pray that you are doing well. :-)
I hope that you took a few minutes to watch the video up above. If not watch it now while I go make me a pot of coffee. Be right back!
^^ Well, I wrote that about 2 months ago... so I figured I should add to it and actually post something on here.
It is November.. 6 months since my miscarriage and D&C. I would love to say that I feel great, but I don't. It's been a roller coaster of emotions and though I know I am not alone.. I feel alone on this emotional roller coaster. I love my husband, but we show our emotions differently. If I tell him I feel like it's never going to happen (getting pregnant) or that I am mad that it happened to me... his response is simply to tell me everything will be fine and to stop stressing. He isn't at all trying to be heartless and I know that... but sometimes and most of the time he doesn't say what I want to hear. I am not a person that will call my friends and cry to them about my problems...usually what I do is hold it in and cry by myself and if I can't cry... I go into my car grip the steering wheel and scream ( I mean blood curtling, sore throat afterwards) kind of scream. Something about screaming releases every emotion and brings it to the surface. (note: I usually do this in my driveway as not to scare strangers in parking lots) I need to add some humor. I also burry myself in a bazillion projects and just put my emotions into that. The past few months have been more hard on me it seems. Everytime I turn on the computer and check facebook someone is announcing their pregnancy, everytime I read a blog it's about conceiving and pregnancy. People ask me all the time.. 'So when is Dillon going to have a baby brother and sister?', 'You and Ron need to get busy', 'Weren't you pregnant?', and so on and so on. I think I may have a shirt made that says.. Survivor of 3 miscarriages. Yes I'm pissed, Yes We're Trying Again, And Bug off. I know people mean well and I tell myself and I ask the Lord for peace, and he does provide me with that. But when my focus is not on him... it's ugly. I am just frustrated and I am feeling blah about getting pregnant again. I am being raw right now. I want others that are in the same boat as me to know that perhaps I feel the same way as they do.
My biggest frustration right now is my cycles, ovulating, and testing. My cycles ever since the D&C have been jacked up. Bleed for a week, off for 2, Bleed for a week off for 1, Bleed for a week off for 3. At one point I have a period so horrible I thought I was having another miscarriage. I went in to the doctor for an ultrasound and bloodwork. Just a heavy period I was told. Then the doctor suggested that I go on birth control for 6 months to 'regulate' my cycles. No thank you I told them. I sought out an accupunturist who I have been seeing for 2 months now. She has done 3 treatments on me and provided me with a mixture of chinese herbs. So far my cycles have seemed to regulate a bit and lenthen out to about 25 days. Which is totally positive. (I need to be better about taking my herbs though. They taste like dirt. bleh!) I have an appointment with my doctor this week to talk about my future pregnancy. I love my Dr. and I want to work on having an excellent doctor patient relationship with him. I want him to know that I am seeing an accupuncturis and I want to share with him what herbs she has me on. I want to talk about possibly trying Clomid again this next cycle, I want to talk to him about if I get pregnant what tests they will perform, and as much as I hate to say it, if with my next pregnancy I have another miscarriage having the tissue tested and find out if there is another cause to my miscarriages. So I am praying for a good meeting this week. I am also trying to gifure out if and when I am ovulating. The only problem with that is I am not disciplined enough to take my temperature every day. and I always miss the time in the evening to pee on a stick. It's just frustrating. I wish that there was a neon sign, perhaps on our pubic bone (ha!), that would flash when we were ovulating and flash when we became pregnant, it would be so much easier! For those that haven't peed on an ovulation stick before let me give you the RAW rundown... You go to the store. You stand in the embarrasing isle of lubes, condoms, pregnancy tests etc... trying to hurry up and figure out what test you want to buy... after grabbing the box of 7 tests for 20-40 dollars (yes it's outrageous the price of some of these things), you drive home. If you are like me you read the directions every times to make sure you do it right, when the time comes you rush to the bathroom, pee on the stick (sometimes you pee in a cup and dip the stick) sometimes you pee on your hand, sometime you pee and forget about the stick all together (then causing you to become angry), you have to lay the stick flat on a hard surface, then you sit and wait as you watch your the results come across the display (can't think of the word) thing.... sometimes you can tell instantly, other times it says to wait a few minutes. On the OPK sticks I am using now they say to wait 5 minutes. I usually just walk out of the room after (after washing my hands of course) and then about 2 hours later I remember I was supposed to look at my stick. Now here is the tricky and frustrating part because I don't know about you, but my eyes and mind are evil and like to play games with my head... on the ovulation sticks there is usually always 2 lines. However, you are only ovulating if the line is equal to or darker than the test line..... WTH! If I see two lines I automatically think YAY! I'm ovulating. So then I usually sit and stare at the test and think... well it almost looks the same, but it's skinnier. It doesn't say anything about it being skinnier... but it doesn't look as dark... but maybe it's because it's skinnier..... and it goes on like that until I say forget it and through it away. pointless.
......... Sorry if that was TMI and a bit crazy..... Let's just say I started at a confusing OPK this evening so I'm still bitter about it. :-)
Well I should head to bed becuase I need to work on going to sleep earlier. Sorry to be MIA for so long. Hope you are doing well... And I will have a more positive post next time. :-)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=S8Gxv9CRRVM
Hello!
I am so sorry that I haven't wrote in quite some time! My reasons include, it was a busy summer and I really didn't know what to write about. I didn't want my post to be dark and dreary, but I didn't really have anything super exciting to share. (If that makes sense) I think about this blog almost everyday, and I think about everyone that I know and that I don't know who are going through this same journey. If this is your first time reading this blog I hope that you find some peace and comfort knowing that you are not alone. If you have been here awhile I pray that you are doing well. :-)
I hope that you took a few minutes to watch the video up above. If not watch it now while I go make me a pot of coffee. Be right back!
^^ Well, I wrote that about 2 months ago... so I figured I should add to it and actually post something on here.
It is November.. 6 months since my miscarriage and D&C. I would love to say that I feel great, but I don't. It's been a roller coaster of emotions and though I know I am not alone.. I feel alone on this emotional roller coaster. I love my husband, but we show our emotions differently. If I tell him I feel like it's never going to happen (getting pregnant) or that I am mad that it happened to me... his response is simply to tell me everything will be fine and to stop stressing. He isn't at all trying to be heartless and I know that... but sometimes and most of the time he doesn't say what I want to hear. I am not a person that will call my friends and cry to them about my problems...usually what I do is hold it in and cry by myself and if I can't cry... I go into my car grip the steering wheel and scream ( I mean blood curtling, sore throat afterwards) kind of scream. Something about screaming releases every emotion and brings it to the surface. (note: I usually do this in my driveway as not to scare strangers in parking lots) I need to add some humor. I also burry myself in a bazillion projects and just put my emotions into that. The past few months have been more hard on me it seems. Everytime I turn on the computer and check facebook someone is announcing their pregnancy, everytime I read a blog it's about conceiving and pregnancy. People ask me all the time.. 'So when is Dillon going to have a baby brother and sister?', 'You and Ron need to get busy', 'Weren't you pregnant?', and so on and so on. I think I may have a shirt made that says.. Survivor of 3 miscarriages. Yes I'm pissed, Yes We're Trying Again, And Bug off. I know people mean well and I tell myself and I ask the Lord for peace, and he does provide me with that. But when my focus is not on him... it's ugly. I am just frustrated and I am feeling blah about getting pregnant again. I am being raw right now. I want others that are in the same boat as me to know that perhaps I feel the same way as they do.
My biggest frustration right now is my cycles, ovulating, and testing. My cycles ever since the D&C have been jacked up. Bleed for a week, off for 2, Bleed for a week off for 1, Bleed for a week off for 3. At one point I have a period so horrible I thought I was having another miscarriage. I went in to the doctor for an ultrasound and bloodwork. Just a heavy period I was told. Then the doctor suggested that I go on birth control for 6 months to 'regulate' my cycles. No thank you I told them. I sought out an accupunturist who I have been seeing for 2 months now. She has done 3 treatments on me and provided me with a mixture of chinese herbs. So far my cycles have seemed to regulate a bit and lenthen out to about 25 days. Which is totally positive. (I need to be better about taking my herbs though. They taste like dirt. bleh!) I have an appointment with my doctor this week to talk about my future pregnancy. I love my Dr. and I want to work on having an excellent doctor patient relationship with him. I want him to know that I am seeing an accupuncturis and I want to share with him what herbs she has me on. I want to talk about possibly trying Clomid again this next cycle, I want to talk to him about if I get pregnant what tests they will perform, and as much as I hate to say it, if with my next pregnancy I have another miscarriage having the tissue tested and find out if there is another cause to my miscarriages. So I am praying for a good meeting this week. I am also trying to gifure out if and when I am ovulating. The only problem with that is I am not disciplined enough to take my temperature every day. and I always miss the time in the evening to pee on a stick. It's just frustrating. I wish that there was a neon sign, perhaps on our pubic bone (ha!), that would flash when we were ovulating and flash when we became pregnant, it would be so much easier! For those that haven't peed on an ovulation stick before let me give you the RAW rundown... You go to the store. You stand in the embarrasing isle of lubes, condoms, pregnancy tests etc... trying to hurry up and figure out what test you want to buy... after grabbing the box of 7 tests for 20-40 dollars (yes it's outrageous the price of some of these things), you drive home. If you are like me you read the directions every times to make sure you do it right, when the time comes you rush to the bathroom, pee on the stick (sometimes you pee in a cup and dip the stick) sometimes you pee on your hand, sometime you pee and forget about the stick all together (then causing you to become angry), you have to lay the stick flat on a hard surface, then you sit and wait as you watch your the results come across the display (can't think of the word) thing.... sometimes you can tell instantly, other times it says to wait a few minutes. On the OPK sticks I am using now they say to wait 5 minutes. I usually just walk out of the room after (after washing my hands of course) and then about 2 hours later I remember I was supposed to look at my stick. Now here is the tricky and frustrating part because I don't know about you, but my eyes and mind are evil and like to play games with my head... on the ovulation sticks there is usually always 2 lines. However, you are only ovulating if the line is equal to or darker than the test line..... WTH! If I see two lines I automatically think YAY! I'm ovulating. So then I usually sit and stare at the test and think... well it almost looks the same, but it's skinnier. It doesn't say anything about it being skinnier... but it doesn't look as dark... but maybe it's because it's skinnier..... and it goes on like that until I say forget it and through it away. pointless.
......... Sorry if that was TMI and a bit crazy..... Let's just say I started at a confusing OPK this evening so I'm still bitter about it. :-)
Well I should head to bed becuase I need to work on going to sleep earlier. Sorry to be MIA for so long. Hope you are doing well... And I will have a more positive post next time. :-)
Comments
I haven't stopped praying for you, even if we don't talk about it anymore.
I'm glad to hear you have an appointment this week and I hope it goes better than expected.
For ovulation tests, use this site:
http://www.early-pregnancy-tests.com/ovulationtests.html
SUPER cheap...but only in cost. They are rated as one of the best tests out there (as well as their PG tests) plus there are forums to chat on and pictures showing you what a positive OPK can look like. If you're looking to buy a TON...this is the only place to do it! I used them as well as someone else I know. You can justify testing every day with how cheap these are!
I love you so much.