Monday, October 15, 2012

October 15th. Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day

Today, October 15th 2012
National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day

For some this may seem like another cheesy day that was created to remember people's
"embryos", "fetus" that they never saw, etc etc.

But for those that have suffered the loss of a pregnancy or an infant..
this is our day to talk about those babies.
To remember them verbally.
We remember them every day.
But we may stop talking about them because we don't want to drag others down, 
or make others feel uncomfortable.
But today... we talk. Today we openly remember them.

I, am a mama to 3 angels in heaven.
I never saw them.
But I saw their heartbeats.
They were my babies.
And I will always remember them.

Here is some info about this day.

  • Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day is a day of remembrance for pregnancy loss and infant death, which includes but is not limited to miscarriage, stillbirth, SIDS, or the death of a newborn. It is observed annually in the United States and Canada and, in recent years, in the United Kingdom and in the Australian State of New South Wales,[1] on October 15.
  • The day is observed with remembrance ceremonies and candle-lighting vigils, concluding with the International Wave of Light, a worldwide lighting of candles at 7:00 p.m.


  • The Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Movement began in the United States on October 25, 1988 when then-American President Ronald Reagan designated the month of October 1988 as Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month.[2]
  • The October 15th Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day (PAILRD) Campaign began in 2002 as an American movement started by Robyn Bear, Lisa Brown, and Tammy Novak. Together, they petitioned the federal government, as well as the governors of each of the 50 states, and by October 15, 2002 (the first observance of PAILRD) 20 states had signed proclamations recognizing the date as such.
Read more here.

God gave me the journey for a reason.
It has helped me help others in the same situations.
But there are still days I wonder why.
You can read about my journey HERE if you want. 

We didn't name our angels.
But today (and everyday) I remember
Baby #1 Due July 2008, miscarriage at 8 weeks
Baby #2 Due July 2010, ectopic pregnancy
Baby #3 Due December 2010, miscarriage at 7 weeks

I also want to remember my friend Krystle's baby
Due July 2010, miscarriage at 10 weeks.

To Jamie and her baby girl Ava and little boy Noah

Lindsay M and her angel, miscarriage in 2011

I know there are many more friends that have angel babies
and to all of you and the families who have little ones waiting for us in Heaven.
Thoughts are going out to you today. 
And a huge virtual hug.

Baby #3 Due December 2010

Yes, I really took that many tests and more! :) Baby #3 Due December 2010, M/C 7 weeks later


Sunday, June 3, 2012


For you that have been following my journey thank you. Thank you for all your positive comments, your wishes sent my way and for all your prayers! They are SO appreciated!

I have a wee bit of an announcement to make and if you would... click on this link to go to my personal family blog..

Love ya,

Friday, March 16, 2012

..... struggles, life, The Word, pride

I have no idea what this blogpost is going to be or turn out to be. I just know that I need to update this blog. :) I've been directing people to it the past several weeks and there hasn't been an official blog for a long time.

I've been dealing with a lot. A lotta good, a lotta crazy, and a lotta not so good. I may just dig into a lot of that here. But if you would PLEASE take 6 minutes to watch this video I would greatly appreciate it.

Fearless Confession from Lindsay McPhail on Vimeo.

Hopefully you watched the video cause I want to talk about why I posted this and why it hit home for me. Lindsay is a local here in my hometown. I know of her but have never met her. A couple weeks ago she posted on her facebook this blog she started. I hadn't taken the time to look at it until today when I sat at my computer to "work" ;) I felt compelled to click on this particular video. WOW. I don't really know how to start this post (I've been having the worst case of writers block, thinkers block, creative block. I'm just blocked) So let's dive in.

As most of you know (cause I'm pretty much an open book) this struggle of fertility has been a roller coaster. As most of you don't know my life is a roller coaster. (that's a whole other blog though....maybe) Along this journey of fertility I find myself saying a lot.... "I'm trusting God". "I'm praying about it".. "I'm giving it to Him"... "This is my favorite verse"... But.... I find myself questioning A LOT have I REALLY trusted Him, Wow, I haven't prayed for this as much as I should have (my prayers are usually standing over a OPK or pregnancy stick saying Dear God, please let there be two lines.) Have I really given it to Him, or Why am I saying this is my favorite verse when my bible is on the shelf with a layer of dust on it. :( (sad but true).  A few things about the above video that hit home for me and some other little reasons why this video helped me see a bit clearer.
1) I am not a book smart person. When I read I am usually thinking about the billion other things I need to be doing so I forget half of what I just read. Or I'm just not interested in what I'm reading.
2) Sometimes the Bible is intimidating and when I read certain passages it (like Linds says) flys over my head, I feel stupid, get discouraged and put it away.
3) I have turned to Christian websites, devotional books and others for my "bible" time.
4) Pride
5) Anger
6) this is a Big one. Resentment. (big sigh)

Where do I begin.... Perhaps with number 4, 5, 6.

Pride.... I am a prideful person. I've slowly been getting better with this. But it still resenates in me.

Hold the bus for a sec. Let me tell you why I am the person I am today. (this person being the. Strong, sassy, bossy, mothering, tough, sensitive, ball of fire, ornery, passionate, I'm going to stop before you hate me) I grew up with 2 brothers. We fought a lot, but we loved each other. When I was in 6th grade my dad called each one of my brothers upstairs into his bedroom where I told us that him and my mom were getting a divorce. I honestly don't remember what I did next. I don't remember walking back down the stairs and I don't remember what was said after. My next memory is having two houses, splitting time with each parent and..... being strong for my brothers. I remember feeling like I needed to be the strong one for them, for my mom. Nothing was going to hurt this much again and I would fight for that. I became the mother when we were at dad's house, I became somewhat insecure and would hide that with being loud and goofy and at times sassy. It was a crazy time in life and that time is what formed me into who I am now. Some of me I love and some of me I know needs some changin'. (Know that my dad is an amazing father and an amazing man. Life just didn't work out the way we all thought it would and life is good now)

Okay let's get back to the point. (Is there one?! haha) Oh Yes, Pride. There is this part of me that thinks... I grew up in a Christian home, I went to private Christian schools, and I went to church all through my childhood. I'm set for life and everything should be smooth sailing. Right? ;) I don't want to go into a lot of my prideful thoughts but the fact is... I find myself stuck in this mental rut thinking I don't need to read my bible, I don't need to go to church blah blah blah because I am doing just fine and my walk is just fine. (a little prideful ya think) Truth is.... it's not fine. It's okay.. but it's not passionate.

Anger, oh man. This is a biggie for me 95% of the time I think I should start join the cage fighting community. I hold a lot of anger inside. Anger that stems from childhood but mostly adulthood. Anger with not staying in the church community as a young adult, doing things I said I wouldn't, and I think this biggest part of my anger has stemmed from my fertility journey. I've talked about anger before so this may sound like a broken record. And some of this may be TMI but oh well. I get SO angry when I see people who don't want to be pregnant get pregnant (I am guilty of actuall looking at the sky, flinging me hands in the air and screaming WTF, true story) I get angry when I pay my medical/fertility bills (I am guilty of throwing my hands in the air and screaming WTF at the actuall bill) I get angry when I buy a box of OPK sticks for $35.00 and get a positive and never get pregnant. (I am guilty of throwing said OPK sticks against the bathroom wall and screaming WTF) I get angry when (take yesterday for example) I get a positive OPK stick and then in typical Lacie fashion I do another test to make sure and I get a negative, and another negative, and another. (6 OPK's in the same sample of peepee and 5 negs 1 pos.) (yesterday was not a good day) I get angry when it's "the" week to get "busy" and Satan puts every took he has to work. (That has been how it has been for so long.)................. I get angry, and I take it out on my husband, and worse I take it out on God. :( I shelf my Bible, I curse my life, I won't clean my house, I sulk. I am a complete Debbie Downer.

I suppose that resentment is all part of anger and you can probably forsee what I would write about resentment. So I'm going to shorten this up a bit. :)

The truth is, and maybe my point of this is...... (do you notice that i use these ----> .......... alot. :) ) Anyways, the truth is. I NEED Him. I need my bible. I need to be stripped of a lot. I want to read the word and feel Him and hear Him. I want to fully give my struggles to God. And I want to feel his peace. A peace that I have felt before and it comes back in waves, but I want to feel it a lot.

As always, this was a lot of rambling. :) And maybe you won't see the video and how it relates to my journey like I see it. But regardless it was a good video that will make a lot of people think.

Thank you for reading. (If you made it this far) Thank you for your encouragement and for your prayers.

*Warning: I haven't re-read this and I don't think I will because I may delete it or change things. So this is RAW. :)


Tuesday, March 6, 2012

I'm Baaaack.

So many times I think about this blog and so many times I want to write again. Life has been CA-RAZY though and most of my time is consumed by my family and photography. :) Both good. And of course we are still trying to get pregnant. :)

I love this blog. It was my outlet during some of the worst days and continues to be a place where I feel connected to others who share my journey and care for me. I love this blog because I have been able to connect and help other women/couples who share in this experience. I know the post before this is titled goodbye and it was a nice break for me to refocus on some other personal things. But... it's being weighing heavily on me to get back on here and continue to share my journey.

I will be back tomorrow to write about what has happened since the goodbye and what the plan is for The Lacy fam. :)

Thursday, June 9, 2011


I'm done trying. I'm just done. It's in His hands completely. COMPLETELY

Trying has become a nightmare. I'm tired of trying. Trying to remember to pee on ovulation sticks, trying to remember to take pills, trying to remember what day I'm on, trying to get in the mood, trying to make it fun when at times it feels robotic, trying to remember to pay all the bills for this ride. try try and try again. It's a vicious cycle. One that I've been fighting for 6 years (minus 9 months). I'm exhausted, our bank account is exhausted, and I'm getting old.

I will continue to take the pills I have until they run out. That's 7 days worth. After that I'm done. I will not set foot in another doctors office for infertility. I will not purchase another prescription drug. I will not buy any more sticks to pee on. (*disclaimer~Only one thing can change all this and that is if my husband ever asks me to do any of the above.)

It makes me sad that this is the way my journey has been. I know it is God's plan and at times I understand why perhaps. I used to want 4 kids. Yep 4! I wanted a house full of laughter, screaming, love, big family dinners, all my friends' kids over because we were the cool parents, summer BBQ's packed with our family.... the list goes on. As month and months go by the number of kids I want get's smaller. I know I'm not OLD and I still have plenty of time,  but I always dreamed about being a younger mom, younger grammy etc. This vision I have just seems like a far off dream.

I know some of you are saying 'Don't loose hope Lacie, Don't give up, I'm praying for you....' I have to say... It's hard not to loose hope and want to give up. I do ask that you continue to pray for us. At times I am at complete peace about this and at times my heart just hurts. My prayer is this. That the Lord provides me a complete peace about this journey. That if it is his will, that soon Ron and I will conceive a child naturally. I pray that my days and nights are filled with things to take my mind far away from fertility. I pray that as my life moves forward I become a better mom to Dillon and a better wife to Ron. I pray for healing for my body. And I especially pray for any of you who are struggling with maybe this same issue, or something else... that you would be comforted too.

I will not be writing on this blog again for quite awhile. (Not that I write a lot on it anyways ☺) but please please if you know of anyone struggling with this same situation please share my blog with them. Thank you for your support over the past year, thank you for reading and thank you for keeping us in your prayers.