..... struggles, life, The Word, pride
I have no idea what this blogpost is going to be or turn out to be. I just know that I need to update this blog. :) I've been directing people to it the past several weeks and there hasn't been an official blog for a long time.
I've been dealing with a lot. A lotta good, a lotta crazy, and a lotta not so good. I may just dig into a lot of that here. But if you would PLEASE take 6 minutes to watch this video I would greatly appreciate it.
http://vimeo.com/38060511
Fearless Confession from Lindsay McPhail on Vimeo.
Hopefully you watched the video cause I want to talk about why I posted this and why it hit home for me. Lindsay is a local here in my hometown. I know of her but have never met her. A couple weeks ago she posted on her facebook this blog she started. I hadn't taken the time to look at it until today when I sat at my computer to "work" ;) I felt compelled to click on this particular video. WOW. I don't really know how to start this post (I've been having the worst case of writers block, thinkers block, creative block. I'm just blocked) So let's dive in.
As most of you know (cause I'm pretty much an open book) this struggle of fertility has been a roller coaster. As most of you don't know my life is a roller coaster. (that's a whole other blog though....maybe) Along this journey of fertility I find myself saying a lot.... "I'm trusting God". "I'm praying about it".. "I'm giving it to Him"... "This is my favorite verse"... But.... I find myself questioning A LOT have I REALLY trusted Him, Wow, I haven't prayed for this as much as I should have (my prayers are usually standing over a OPK or pregnancy stick saying Dear God, please let there be two lines.) Have I really given it to Him, or Why am I saying this is my favorite verse when my bible is on the shelf with a layer of dust on it. :( (sad but true). A few things about the above video that hit home for me and some other little reasons why this video helped me see a bit clearer.
1) I am not a book smart person. When I read I am usually thinking about the billion other things I need to be doing so I forget half of what I just read. Or I'm just not interested in what I'm reading.
2) Sometimes the Bible is intimidating and when I read certain passages it (like Linds says) flys over my head, I feel stupid, get discouraged and put it away.
3) I have turned to Christian websites, devotional books and others for my "bible" time.
4) Pride
5) Anger
6) this is a Big one. Resentment. (big sigh)
Where do I begin.... Perhaps with number 4, 5, 6.
Pride.... I am a prideful person. I've slowly been getting better with this. But it still resenates in me.
Hold the bus for a sec. Let me tell you why I am the person I am today. (this person being the. Strong, sassy, bossy, mothering, tough, sensitive, ball of fire, ornery, passionate, I'm going to stop before you hate me) I grew up with 2 brothers. We fought a lot, but we loved each other. When I was in 6th grade my dad called each one of my brothers upstairs into his bedroom where I told us that him and my mom were getting a divorce. I honestly don't remember what I did next. I don't remember walking back down the stairs and I don't remember what was said after. My next memory is having two houses, splitting time with each parent and..... being strong for my brothers. I remember feeling like I needed to be the strong one for them, for my mom. Nothing was going to hurt this much again and I would fight for that. I became the mother when we were at dad's house, I became somewhat insecure and would hide that with being loud and goofy and at times sassy. It was a crazy time in life and that time is what formed me into who I am now. Some of me I love and some of me I know needs some changin'. (Know that my dad is an amazing father and an amazing man. Life just didn't work out the way we all thought it would and life is good now)
Okay let's get back to the point. (Is there one?! haha) Oh Yes, Pride. There is this part of me that thinks... I grew up in a Christian home, I went to private Christian schools, and I went to church all through my childhood. I'm set for life and everything should be smooth sailing. Right? ;) I don't want to go into a lot of my prideful thoughts but the fact is... I find myself stuck in this mental rut thinking I don't need to read my bible, I don't need to go to church blah blah blah because I am doing just fine and my walk is just fine. (a little prideful ya think) Truth is.... it's not fine. It's okay.. but it's not passionate.
Anger, oh man. This is a biggie for me 95% of the time I think I should start join the cage fighting community. I hold a lot of anger inside. Anger that stems from childhood but mostly adulthood. Anger with not staying in the church community as a young adult, doing things I said I wouldn't, and I think this biggest part of my anger has stemmed from my fertility journey. I've talked about anger before so this may sound like a broken record. And some of this may be TMI but oh well. I get SO angry when I see people who don't want to be pregnant get pregnant (I am guilty of actuall looking at the sky, flinging me hands in the air and screaming WTF, true story) I get angry when I pay my medical/fertility bills (I am guilty of throwing my hands in the air and screaming WTF at the actuall bill) I get angry when I buy a box of OPK sticks for $35.00 and get a positive and never get pregnant. (I am guilty of throwing said OPK sticks against the bathroom wall and screaming WTF) I get angry when (take yesterday for example) I get a positive OPK stick and then in typical Lacie fashion I do another test to make sure and I get a negative, and another negative, and another. (6 OPK's in the same sample of peepee and 5 negs 1 pos.) (yesterday was not a good day) I get angry when it's "the" week to get "busy" and Satan puts every took he has to work. (That has been how it has been for so long.)................. I get angry, and I take it out on my husband, and worse I take it out on God. :( I shelf my Bible, I curse my life, I won't clean my house, I sulk. I am a complete Debbie Downer.
I suppose that resentment is all part of anger and you can probably forsee what I would write about resentment. So I'm going to shorten this up a bit. :)
The truth is, and maybe my point of this is...... (do you notice that i use these ----> .......... alot. :) ) Anyways, the truth is. I NEED Him. I need my bible. I need to be stripped of a lot. I want to read the word and feel Him and hear Him. I want to fully give my struggles to God. And I want to feel his peace. A peace that I have felt before and it comes back in waves, but I want to feel it a lot.
As always, this was a lot of rambling. :) And maybe you won't see the video and how it relates to my journey like I see it. But regardless it was a good video that will make a lot of people think.
Thank you for reading. (If you made it this far) Thank you for your encouragement and for your prayers.
*Warning: I haven't re-read this and I don't think I will because I may delete it or change things. So this is RAW. :)
~Lacie
I've been dealing with a lot. A lotta good, a lotta crazy, and a lotta not so good. I may just dig into a lot of that here. But if you would PLEASE take 6 minutes to watch this video I would greatly appreciate it.
http://vimeo.com/38060511
Fearless Confession from Lindsay McPhail on Vimeo.
Hopefully you watched the video cause I want to talk about why I posted this and why it hit home for me. Lindsay is a local here in my hometown. I know of her but have never met her. A couple weeks ago she posted on her facebook this blog she started. I hadn't taken the time to look at it until today when I sat at my computer to "work" ;) I felt compelled to click on this particular video. WOW. I don't really know how to start this post (I've been having the worst case of writers block, thinkers block, creative block. I'm just blocked) So let's dive in.
As most of you know (cause I'm pretty much an open book) this struggle of fertility has been a roller coaster. As most of you don't know my life is a roller coaster. (that's a whole other blog though....maybe) Along this journey of fertility I find myself saying a lot.... "I'm trusting God". "I'm praying about it".. "I'm giving it to Him"... "This is my favorite verse"... But.... I find myself questioning A LOT have I REALLY trusted Him, Wow, I haven't prayed for this as much as I should have (my prayers are usually standing over a OPK or pregnancy stick saying Dear God, please let there be two lines.) Have I really given it to Him, or Why am I saying this is my favorite verse when my bible is on the shelf with a layer of dust on it. :( (sad but true). A few things about the above video that hit home for me and some other little reasons why this video helped me see a bit clearer.
1) I am not a book smart person. When I read I am usually thinking about the billion other things I need to be doing so I forget half of what I just read. Or I'm just not interested in what I'm reading.
2) Sometimes the Bible is intimidating and when I read certain passages it (like Linds says) flys over my head, I feel stupid, get discouraged and put it away.
3) I have turned to Christian websites, devotional books and others for my "bible" time.
4) Pride
5) Anger
6) this is a Big one. Resentment. (big sigh)
Where do I begin.... Perhaps with number 4, 5, 6.
Pride.... I am a prideful person. I've slowly been getting better with this. But it still resenates in me.
Hold the bus for a sec. Let me tell you why I am the person I am today. (this person being the. Strong, sassy, bossy, mothering, tough, sensitive, ball of fire, ornery, passionate, I'm going to stop before you hate me) I grew up with 2 brothers. We fought a lot, but we loved each other. When I was in 6th grade my dad called each one of my brothers upstairs into his bedroom where I told us that him and my mom were getting a divorce. I honestly don't remember what I did next. I don't remember walking back down the stairs and I don't remember what was said after. My next memory is having two houses, splitting time with each parent and..... being strong for my brothers. I remember feeling like I needed to be the strong one for them, for my mom. Nothing was going to hurt this much again and I would fight for that. I became the mother when we were at dad's house, I became somewhat insecure and would hide that with being loud and goofy and at times sassy. It was a crazy time in life and that time is what formed me into who I am now. Some of me I love and some of me I know needs some changin'. (Know that my dad is an amazing father and an amazing man. Life just didn't work out the way we all thought it would and life is good now)
Okay let's get back to the point. (Is there one?! haha) Oh Yes, Pride. There is this part of me that thinks... I grew up in a Christian home, I went to private Christian schools, and I went to church all through my childhood. I'm set for life and everything should be smooth sailing. Right? ;) I don't want to go into a lot of my prideful thoughts but the fact is... I find myself stuck in this mental rut thinking I don't need to read my bible, I don't need to go to church blah blah blah because I am doing just fine and my walk is just fine. (a little prideful ya think) Truth is.... it's not fine. It's okay.. but it's not passionate.
Anger, oh man. This is a biggie for me 95% of the time I think I should start join the cage fighting community. I hold a lot of anger inside. Anger that stems from childhood but mostly adulthood. Anger with not staying in the church community as a young adult, doing things I said I wouldn't, and I think this biggest part of my anger has stemmed from my fertility journey. I've talked about anger before so this may sound like a broken record. And some of this may be TMI but oh well. I get SO angry when I see people who don't want to be pregnant get pregnant (I am guilty of actuall looking at the sky, flinging me hands in the air and screaming WTF, true story) I get angry when I pay my medical/fertility bills (I am guilty of throwing my hands in the air and screaming WTF at the actuall bill) I get angry when I buy a box of OPK sticks for $35.00 and get a positive and never get pregnant. (I am guilty of throwing said OPK sticks against the bathroom wall and screaming WTF) I get angry when (take yesterday for example) I get a positive OPK stick and then in typical Lacie fashion I do another test to make sure and I get a negative, and another negative, and another. (6 OPK's in the same sample of peepee and 5 negs 1 pos.) (yesterday was not a good day) I get angry when it's "the" week to get "busy" and Satan puts every took he has to work. (That has been how it has been for so long.)................. I get angry, and I take it out on my husband, and worse I take it out on God. :( I shelf my Bible, I curse my life, I won't clean my house, I sulk. I am a complete Debbie Downer.
I suppose that resentment is all part of anger and you can probably forsee what I would write about resentment. So I'm going to shorten this up a bit. :)
The truth is, and maybe my point of this is...... (do you notice that i use these ----> .......... alot. :) ) Anyways, the truth is. I NEED Him. I need my bible. I need to be stripped of a lot. I want to read the word and feel Him and hear Him. I want to fully give my struggles to God. And I want to feel his peace. A peace that I have felt before and it comes back in waves, but I want to feel it a lot.
As always, this was a lot of rambling. :) And maybe you won't see the video and how it relates to my journey like I see it. But regardless it was a good video that will make a lot of people think.
Thank you for reading. (If you made it this far) Thank you for your encouragement and for your prayers.
*Warning: I haven't re-read this and I don't think I will because I may delete it or change things. So this is RAW. :)
~Lacie
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