1 Month
Well yesterday (the 20th) (I started writing this blog on the 21st.) was exactly 1 month since I found out that I had lost the baby and needed a D&C. It feels like it was months ago, at times it all feels like a big blur. Yesterday I also began day 1 of "my cycle" (for you ladies you know what that means) It's bittersweet. I am happy because so many times after a miscarriage your cycles take awhile to get back on track. So I was thankful and am hopeful that it may not be the case with me. But it also just reaffirmed that I was not pregnant anymore.
I was thinking the other day, that I have wrote most of these posts to women who have had a miscarriage(s). I want to write to the women or men who know of someone or want to know how to help someone through a miscarriage. I saw this online and want to re-post.
When a woman has a miscarriage, she is left grieving for a child that "could have been." When someone loses a loved one, most people know what is appropriate to say. When a woman has a miscarriage, people often feel like they are saying the right thing when they are actually getting it all wrong.
You Say: Don't worry, you can try again.
She thinks: I'm not even thinking about that. Give me time.
You say: You can always have more children.
She thinks: But I wanted THIS child.
You say: Everything happens for a reason. This wasn't meant to be.She thinks: OK, but WHY did it happen? Did I do something wrong? Did I deserve this?
You say: Well at least you have your son (or daughter)
She thinks: Yes it helps.. but I was excited to have 2 kids. My son or daughter was excited to be a big brother, big sister.. etc.
People say these things all the time. They think they are being reassuring. A woman needs time to grieve the loss of her child. Dismissing it in these ways completely invalidates her right to grieve. In her head she knows that these words are meant to be reassuring, but that doesn't help in that moment.
So, what is acceptable to say to a woman after she experiences a miscarriage? Well, there is the good old standby of "I'm sorry." Consider asking her how she is feeling. Maybe ask if there is anything you can do to help. Keep it brief. Let her do the talking if she wants to. Listen to her. Console her with gestures and not words that you believe to be reassuring. Unless you have experienced a miscarriage, you have no idea what this woman is going through.
copied from:here
When I had my miscarriage I didn't want to tell many people that day. I had my husband call a lot of the family. I didn't want to hear people crying, I didn't want people telling me it was going to be okay, I will still have more babies blah blah blah.... I wanted to be sad and mad. I am the type of person that feels like I always have to be the strong one. To hold it all together for everyone. Usually I am the strong one and okay with that. It was so nice (looking back) the day that I found out that I had lost the baby, my friend Krystle was there with me, the only thing she did the entre time she was with me that day was to hug me, cry with me and just say I'm sorry. She let me grieve and be mad. She didn't tell me it was going to be okay. She was awesome. We talk now of the hope we have to be pregnant again (hopefully at the same time). We tell each other now that everything is going to be okay. But in those first few days, perhaps weeks, and maybe months for some.. all they need to hear is I'm sorry.
After a woman suffers a miscarriage her fear is above and beyond HUGE. Will I ever become pregnant again?..... and then when that positive pregnancy test appears... she will be excited and then within seconds fear will set in. For me I didn't want to work out, fear that I would terminate the pregnancy if I did crunchies, jumped to hard while doing jumping jacks. I didn't want to stay up too late. Fear that if I didn't get enough sleep I would miscarry. I didn't want to do anything but the minimum. And even at that... I had fear. It is crazy how the mind can play tricks on your body. After you have a miscarriage it seems as though the next time you are pregnant.. you feel everything! Ever twinge, sharp pain, nauseous moment.... and if you read about the signs of being pregnant and the signs of having a miscarriage. There are some huge similarities. Cramping, bleeding, nauseous... are all signs of both.
So just remember, woman who have miscarried need support no matter what stage. If you are ever put into this situation, then be tactful. It is important to just be there and let her know how sorry you are. That will let her know you care.
I was thinking the other day, that I have wrote most of these posts to women who have had a miscarriage(s). I want to write to the women or men who know of someone or want to know how to help someone through a miscarriage. I saw this online and want to re-post.
When a woman has a miscarriage, she is left grieving for a child that "could have been." When someone loses a loved one, most people know what is appropriate to say. When a woman has a miscarriage, people often feel like they are saying the right thing when they are actually getting it all wrong.
You Say: Don't worry, you can try again.
She thinks: I'm not even thinking about that. Give me time.
You say: You can always have more children.
She thinks: But I wanted THIS child.
You say: Everything happens for a reason. This wasn't meant to be.She thinks: OK, but WHY did it happen? Did I do something wrong? Did I deserve this?
You say: Well at least you have your son (or daughter)
She thinks: Yes it helps.. but I was excited to have 2 kids. My son or daughter was excited to be a big brother, big sister.. etc.
People say these things all the time. They think they are being reassuring. A woman needs time to grieve the loss of her child. Dismissing it in these ways completely invalidates her right to grieve. In her head she knows that these words are meant to be reassuring, but that doesn't help in that moment.
So, what is acceptable to say to a woman after she experiences a miscarriage? Well, there is the good old standby of "I'm sorry." Consider asking her how she is feeling. Maybe ask if there is anything you can do to help. Keep it brief. Let her do the talking if she wants to. Listen to her. Console her with gestures and not words that you believe to be reassuring. Unless you have experienced a miscarriage, you have no idea what this woman is going through.
copied from:here
When I had my miscarriage I didn't want to tell many people that day. I had my husband call a lot of the family. I didn't want to hear people crying, I didn't want people telling me it was going to be okay, I will still have more babies blah blah blah.... I wanted to be sad and mad. I am the type of person that feels like I always have to be the strong one. To hold it all together for everyone. Usually I am the strong one and okay with that. It was so nice (looking back) the day that I found out that I had lost the baby, my friend Krystle was there with me, the only thing she did the entre time she was with me that day was to hug me, cry with me and just say I'm sorry. She let me grieve and be mad. She didn't tell me it was going to be okay. She was awesome. We talk now of the hope we have to be pregnant again (hopefully at the same time). We tell each other now that everything is going to be okay. But in those first few days, perhaps weeks, and maybe months for some.. all they need to hear is I'm sorry.
After a woman suffers a miscarriage her fear is above and beyond HUGE. Will I ever become pregnant again?..... and then when that positive pregnancy test appears... she will be excited and then within seconds fear will set in. For me I didn't want to work out, fear that I would terminate the pregnancy if I did crunchies, jumped to hard while doing jumping jacks. I didn't want to stay up too late. Fear that if I didn't get enough sleep I would miscarry. I didn't want to do anything but the minimum. And even at that... I had fear. It is crazy how the mind can play tricks on your body. After you have a miscarriage it seems as though the next time you are pregnant.. you feel everything! Ever twinge, sharp pain, nauseous moment.... and if you read about the signs of being pregnant and the signs of having a miscarriage. There are some huge similarities. Cramping, bleeding, nauseous... are all signs of both.
So just remember, woman who have miscarried need support no matter what stage. If you are ever put into this situation, then be tactful. It is important to just be there and let her know how sorry you are. That will let her know you care.
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God bless you!